if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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