Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How's work?
Spinning.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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