Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
