if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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