i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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