I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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