matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
