In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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