If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
