I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
