I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
