I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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