guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
