You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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