It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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