Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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