The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How naked do you want me to be?
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