the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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