New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
