I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Randomize
