Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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