y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
