I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
