i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
