My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
