I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
