I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
