I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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