Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
