he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
