Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i will never coherently bang her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
