Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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