Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
