I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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