I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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