I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
