Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
