Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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