I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
