I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
