You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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