oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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