I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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