he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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