Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
