is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
