She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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