Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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