Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
