My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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